i can finally say it

i am really happy. i know happiness is fleeting and isn't something to strive for. maybe content is the word i'm looking for. it's still strange to me that it's november and i left the states in may. in some ways i feel like i've been gone for forever and the US feels like a foreign concept. at the same time i can still so clearly remember sitting nervously alone in DFW airport after crossing security and thinking "this is the last time i will stand on US ground for a very long time" maybe that's dramatic but hey, that's just what i was thinking. that feels like it happened yesterday. time is weird. i am now typing this, with only 22 days left in botswana. in 24 days (2 days traveling -___-) i will return to what seems like normalcy. my neighborhood starbucks that i have dearly missed more than anyone knows, my red 2003 ford ranger, target shopping with my mom, grace covenant church, eventually my US university, stephen f. austin. maybe nothing will seem different but i am so different. that girl sitting nervously in DFW airport not knowing what to expect is returning changed. i have grown to appreciate things about the united states. i have learned to not take the simplicity of "home" for granted. i will simply NEVER be bored again and if i ever catch myself saying im bored in the states after spending 6 months over here, i deserve to be slapped. i've spent these 6 months without TV or really any form of digital entertainment, without a car, occasionally without internet, without the places that are comfortable and familiar to me. life just looks different here and for the most part, i have just grown accustomed to it. i have learned to be patient. very very patient. everything here moves in slow motion which sounds annoying but sometimes i think us, americans in particular, have something to gain from this. batswana aren't in a rush, ever. they take their time and talk to each other like really talk to each other. they don't do anything alone, they live in community with one another. i think this is valuable and we should learn from them. i have also, whether this is a good thing or not, been given a voice. i have learned to stand up for myself a bit if necessary. i used to be more timid, not wanting to be in people's way. i can't even express the lessons i have learned. i don't even think i will realize them all until months after returning to the US. i just know for now that going into all of this i was so excited but i was also nervous, nervous that it would fail miserably and i would look like an idiot. i was afraid that after a few months, i would be unbearably homesick or just plain uncomfortable. the last thing i wanted to be was someone chasing some stupid dream. i wanted to do this and be at peace with the decision to do so. hallelujah, Lord Jesus is in control and not me because clearly, He knows what He is doing. i couldn't be more happy with the way i feel right now nearing the end of my 6 months of traveling. i feel at peace and content. two things which i am constantly chasing and rarely attain. i'm at a point that i am ready to go home, to see my wonderful family and spend christmas with them celebrating the birth of Christ Jesus but i know it will be so hard to leave here. which is good. i didn't want it to be easy to leave. that would mean that i spent my time here being miserable, longing for something that i have spent the past 20 years of my life complaining about - my normal life in austin/nacogdoches, texas. instead i don't feel excited to leave gaborone, i just feel ready as if the time is right. i feel at peace about how this entire adventurous chapter of my life has gone and i'm interested to see what's next. i am reinvigorated about life in general. classes at a university in east texas don't seem mundane any more, they seem exciting, fresh and new again. i am content. i am not often content and it feels really great to say that and honestly mean it. to everyone that has been following this blog, sent me mail, wrote me on facebook, prayed for me, thank you. you really can't comprehend what it means to me. i remember telling my roommate before i left, "i feel like after about 4 months, everyone will just forget i'm alive." sure enough, that has not been the case. i don't know why i'm so fortunate. well, actually i do. that's because Jesus Christ is alive and He is clearly living in my friends and family. thank you for not forgetting i am still on this planet, although i may be 9,000 miles from where you are. 24 days from now that distance will be much shorter. i can't wait to be reunited with everyone! i really really love you all! :) peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. john 14:27

the roommate mailed me starbucks pumpkin spice. it just happened to
be a fall-ish day in the middle of africa's summer the day i got my package.
look at my wonderful friends and God's reminders that He loves me. 

home

due to my obnoxious facebook posts, many of you probably already know that i went out of town for the past couple of weeks. we had a break from classes for about a week so, three friends (lindsey, elle and ashton) and i decided to adventure. we ended up taking a few extra days off from classes (whoops) in order to see as much as humanly possible. in 12 days we went to 3 countries. i think it's easy to view africa like the US meaning, each country is like a different state but let me tell you, that is not the case. these countries are far apart and south africa is huge. each time you enter or exit a different country you have to exit the bus and clear customs, which could take an unfortunate amount of time. our final journey back to gaborone began in macia, mozambique and took 18 hours, 3 buses, and 3 border crossings. a long, long, long, journey. complaints aside, everything was completely worth it. without a doubt, these past few weeks will be some of my favorite memories from my time here. we spent our first 4 days in manzini, swaziland with the sweetest missionary couple, dudley and inge donaldson in the whole wide world. they fed us home-made cookies and let us watch their TV (none of us have watched actual TV in months). also, let me say, swaziland is one of those hidden gems of the world. it is so beautiful and i had no idea. we arrived at night time and were exhausted so we went quickly to bed. the next morning we woke up to the most glorious sunrise peacocks, black swans and ducks in a small pond out the window and rolling mountains for miles. that afternoon the donaldson's hosted a braai (bbq) for some of the rural children that they work with. we spent the whole afternoon playing games and laughing with these sweet swazi children. after the braai finished, we ended up heading back to their village area on the truck. the truck had about 80 people packed onto it and no roof or walls. not to mention, we were driving through the mountains on unpaved roads. it was quite the adventure.

once we arrived, we followed a girl named sempiwe to her house. as we were walking down the green mountain to sempiwe's house the sun was setting and an array of colors was bursting across the sky. it was glorious. we were invited inside along with 3 other children. sempiwe and her siblings offered us some juice and turned on the TV. so, there we sat watching WWE, drinking juice with 4 swazi children in a house carved into the side of a mountain while the sun was setting like i've never seen it set in my life. it was one of those moments where i felt special that God chose me to experience that. after about an hour, dudley came to pick us up and we returned to the donaldson's house for some JAG and a good night's sleep. the rest of our time in swaziland was nothing short of amazing. from manzini we headed to johannesburg, south africa to attend the passion conference. passion was the most awesome experience and one of my favorite parts of the whole trip.

 it was so surreal worshiping God with thousands upon thousands of south africans. chris tomlin kept saying things like "hello south africa" and "howzit johannesburg?" and i kept having to remind myself that i wasn't dreaming. it was so cool. when we got to johannesburg, we decided we wanted to push the adventurous sides of ourselves and so we rented a car and drove around johannesburg. keep in mind, none of us have driven in months and they drive on the left side of the road with the steering wheel on the right-hand side. it was an experience. no one died and we didn't wreck the car, so i guess that's good. from south africa,we headed to macia, mozambique  where we stayed with joseph and mancoba. joseph is originally from mozambique and mancoba is from swaziland. joseph and mancoba have a ministry in rural mozambique that is in beginning stages of a school and feeding station for kids. a lot of our time in mozambique was spent with these sweet, sweet kids that joseph and mancoba are working hard to help. many of these kids are orphans and were among some of the most mal-nourished children i have ever seen in africa. you know those children with extremely distended bellys on "save the african child" commercials? yeah, that's exactly what these kids looked like. the village they live in is so rural that there is no electricity. when we first arrived, we met a small girl named angelina who was busy grinding maize in a bowl with a massive pole. i wish i could explain to you how hard this work is. this little girl had massive arm muscles already. i asked her (well, gestured she spoke no english) if i could give it a try and after about 2 minutes i was exhausted. i'm pretty sure i watched her do it for at least an hour straight. after a while, her mother told joseph who told me that angelina is 6 years old. on saturday, we fed about 60 children at the feeding station. again, my heart was captured by a tiny girl named luisa. i kept telling lindsey "i can't keep doing stuff like this, i'm ready to take one home," luisa spoke no english and i speak no shangan (local language in mozambique) but we bonded. she looked really malnourished and dirty and i decided she could probably use a few hugs. she timidly followed me around the whole day and i could not help but smile at her. she stole my heart. even though i knew her for a day, it was hard to leave her behind.

on sunday, we went to church and then went to the most beautiful beach. at about 7 pm we boarded a kombi and went to maputo (the capital of mozambique) to spend one final night. we stayed in a really cool hostel called fatima's for $20 and spent the next day wandering around maputo and scanning the craft market. i think we all spent too much money that day...but hey, they had some great local art and we felt we had to support our new friends ;) from there, the long journey back to gaborone began and it seemed neverending but alas, here i am, back in my dorm room in  botswana. it was an interesting feeling arriving back in botswana. i didn't feel as if i was entering another african country, it simply felt like i was arriving at home. it's amazing to me how much this place feels like home and leaving it made me realize how much i love it. i am so grateful for my friends here and the experiences i have had so far. i only have about 60 days left and that honestly terrifies me but God has a plan for me and i find peace in that and that alone. so cliche, but so true "for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11

i'm sorry if this is boring

if you look around you will see lizards everywhere

i never thought i would say this but transitioning back to starbucks is going to be rough. they have the BEST coffee i have ever had in my life here. it is now august 26th. that's weird. i left on my little adventure on may 29th so it has now been almost exactly 3 months since i left the US. recently i have been having a lot of time to reflect or maybe i have been making time to reflect. probably because it is the halfway point. the biggest question that remains in my mind is "how do you go home from something like this and be normal?" to that, i do not have the answer. honestly, i don't even have a guess. it's not about the material poverty that being in africa lends itself to. many people may assume that returning to the US will be challenging on that level. in the past that is what has been hard. this time is different though. the way of life here is just different. the truth is that wearing long skirts, being on 'african time' and being a part of the minority just feels normal now. several weeks ago i stopped having the euphoric "I'M IN AFRICA" thoughts and began thinking about going to class and grabbing some coffee at my favorite coffee shop with some friends. looking around and being the only white person is even starting to feel normal. life in the US seems like such a foreign concept right now. i'm sure after a few weeks of returning i will start loving the quick service and constant, fast internet but for now i am almost enjoying the exceptionally slow-paced lifestyle. i'm starting to feel more motswana than texan and though there still are cultural differences and challenges to be faced i am enjoying the transition. obviously, there are things that i miss and am afraid to miss out on. SFA (my university) starts classes tomorrow. as much as i love being here, i love my school. i miss the tall trees and green grass. being here in the middle of a desert provides practically no greenery. i miss the simplicity of a starbucks on campus and hanging out with shelby wasting hours on facebook when we are suppossed to be studying. i miss heather. my favorite barista at starbucks who knows what to make for me as soon as she sees my face. i miss my family. i even miss chloe's non-stop talking. i miss driving alone from east texas to central texas through back country roads, blasting the music and singing along. i miss spanish. i even miss spanish class and constantly being in spanish mode. with all of that said, i wouldn't change where i am right now. i feel right. this sounds cheesy but i am happy with the way the Lord made me and the person i am turning into. i love the passions that He has given me and the places he has taken and still will take me. i am so grateful that he chose me to be passionate about languages and gave me the oppurtunity to be here. i love the way that life here feels so comfortable. i feel like the passions the Lord has created me with align so perfectly with what He has planned for my life. i think it is so cool that He does this. maybe this is boring but it is simply a compilation of my most recent thoughts. i have been hanging out naledi kids a lot and i love them with all my heart. things are good. thank you so much to those of you that have been praying for me and haven't forgotten about me. i said to the Lord, “Thou art my Lord; I have no good besides Thee” psalm 16:2.

i wish there were things in this that weren't true

i could lie and tell you that everything has been smooth. i could lie and tell you that i have loved every minute. i could lie and tell you that i have seen each day as a blessing. unforunately, those things aren't true. it's been an exceptionally rough few weeks. anyone that knows me knows how much i am in love with this continent but i began to feel that maybe that love was more so conditional for a few days there. like the only way i could love this place was if it painted the children i love as the victims they so often are and in an even sicker way painted me as the hero. not that i would ever say that or even think that i thought that. i guess i just realized that that is something i had hoped for in my subconcious. when i got robbed a week ago for the first time, i was the victim and that isn't the picture that i had so perfectly painted for myself. while in the scheme of things having your dorm room broken into is nothing compared to what many children on this continent face daily, it was a new kind of challenging pain for me. when i realized that i was thousands of miles from home with no laptop and no phone therefore no way to contact home or anyone in the US, i felt the most alone i have ever felt in my entire life. the few days following the robbery, i was angry. it felt like with each day following there was some sort of catastrophic event within the day to come in and steal my joy. i felt like i didn't deserve to be dealing with this. so, i grew angrier. i didn't want to talk to anyone unless they wanted to hear me complain. i honestly wanted to get on the first plane out of gaborone and head back to my hometown (keep in mind i have left out a lot of detail on everything that happened) i never thought i would feel that way in africa. that's when i started realizing this flaw within myself. though i knew africa was dangerous, i expected that the bad things wouldn't happen to me. i was untouchable. i had pictured life here to look about like a mission trip to africa and while mission trips are great, day to day life looks very different. instead of being the hero for a week, i'm just a regular living, breathing 20 year old girl trying to make her way through college just like all of the locals. as much as it hurts to realize a flaw within yourself the up side is that if you let it, change follows and you grow. God pulled me out of the angry place i lived in for the past week and has been showing me again why i love this place. He has shown me what needs to change and is now teaching me how to fall back in love with everyone and everything around me. i spent the day with kids in old naledi and realized that the whole past week of struggles was worth it to get to spend time with them. i could have packed it up and headed home but then i would have left without getting to spend today with those kids. i would have left with bitterness and with anger towards this country and its people. that would have been wrong. i have met tons of wonderful people and unfortunately a small group of theives could have so easily tainted my whole image of the batswana people. i am so grateful for the way the Lord chooses to do what He does. even though the hard times can be seemingly unbearable there is a reason and a lesson that is far more valuable than anything material. i am learning so much about life here in a way i didn't necessarily expect and i am happy to be getting a feel for what living here actually looks like. my God sustains His people and He is doing so much more than that. my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73:26

our God is a cool guy

welcome to my room located in the las vegas dorm complex! i have been here for exactly one week as of today and have tried my best with very limited packing space to make my room feel like me, hence the harry potter fleece blanket. although it has been a week, i still don't have a roommate which has gotten pretty lonely. hopefully that will change soon enough. i have decent internet thanks to my fantastic 2,000 foot long ethernet cable which has been great for keeping in contact with everyone. today was the first day of classes and even though what i am about to say sounds ridiculous, let me first explain. the way that they number the buildings on this campus is not exactly logical or in any particular obvious order therefore, you may have building 239 and then building 247 directly next to it with building 240 being a 5 minute walk in the complete opposite direction. with that in mind, it took me 40 minutes to find my 50 minute biology class today. i was a little bit frustrated to say the least. but hey, i found it, right? now i know for next time. biology was my only class today so i was done with classes at 10 AM today. tomorrow i have lots and lots of linguistics classes all day long which, for those of you that know me, makes me a very happy camper. surprisingly to me, there are tons of international students here from all over the world.  i have new friends from finland, norway, sweden, canada, germany and many other countries. it has been a cool experience because not only am i learning about tswana culture but i am learning new things about places all over the world.

there are an overwhelming majority of americans here including a group of students with campus crusade for Christ who were here for a month and left this morning. these people were so precious and i am really sad that they left today. i remember back in march when i was still at SFA (my home university in the states) i was sitting at starbucks reading this massive book by world gospel outreach when a girl named autumn approached me and started talking to me about the book. i soon learned that she was a part of campus crusade for Christ at SFA and had been apart of one of their summer projects (mission trips) to africa. she invited me to attend some of the campus crusade meetings and look into some of the trips that campus crusade offered. for the last few weeks of school i attended campus crusade and although i was already going to zambia i looked at camous crusades summer projects. i noticed one going to gaborone, botswana from july 1st to august 1st and wondered if i would ever run into them. sure enough i did. furthermore, several posts ago i mentioned a slum/compound area in gaborone called "old naledi" that i felt the Lord really putting on my heart. after talking with these students with the campus crusade trip i found out that they had spent 2 of their 4 weeks working specifically in old naledi with the kids there. they introduced me to the man named matata that they worked with who runs a ministry in old naledi. matata was born and raised there and has an excellent understanding on the problems that transpire in this compound specifically. all of this brings me to my point that our God is a cool guy. if i wouldn't have met autumn back in march who knows if i would have been looking to meet the people working for campus crusade here in gaborone. if i wasn't so creepy about africa and didn't google "worst compounds in gaborone" 3,000 times i wouldn't have known about old naledi. if i wouldn't have met the campus crusade students who knows if i would have ever met matata. everything happens for a reason and He is behind it all. that is why i love my God.

approximately 12 hours

today, i'm not wearing deodorant. i know that sounds gross and yes, i am in public but i was too lazy to dig it out of my mess of a suitcase this morning. but hey, i am in europe right..? on that note we will pretend i can get away with this. so, here i sit at starbucks back in my comfort zone attempting to hold on to the last bits of familiarity before i head to botswana tomorrow. even though this time i am in england, at least i can get my java chip frappucino light but still with the whip cream, sit down, facebook creep and/or read a book. the past few weeks have been madness. i arrived in england on july 1st when i finished up a wonderful month in zambia. i have been staying with the sweet, sweet Parkes family in birmingham. i am so grateful for their hospitality. they have been so kind and welcoming to me and have just let me crash in their basement which is exactly what i needed. after a few days at the Parkes, my family arrived at the london-heathrow airport and we made the 2 hour trek down to london to go pick them up. it was great to see them all after a month of zambia and it was rather comical to see my father in an international setting (those of you who know him will understand ;) we spent a few great days all together, Parkes and Austins, riding around england in the rental car just being tourists. from there, my family flew to italy where we got to see the colosseum lit up in all it's glory at night in rome, buy artwork from a moroccan artist in florence, and be a part of an italian flash mob protesting the government in venice. unfortunately, this flash mob made it onto the local news channel. luckily we left venice that night before being thrown into an italian jail. whoops. from venice, we flew to the place i had so strongly insisted upon. SPAIN! i could not have been more excited to speak spanish non-stop for 4 days. then, back to england! my family returned to the states on the 20th and it was a rough goodbye as i know i won't see them again until december. being able to spend the past few weeks with them was really great and much-needed. since they left, i have been spending much of my time alone and processing the past 2 months of my life before i set out on the next 4. needless to say, i have gone to starbucks everyday the past few days...again, whoops. today is my last day in england and as excited as i am to return to africa, i really do love england. it has begun to feel like a nice home away from home for me. especially, once i realized due to layovers and such i have been here 6 times. brittish people are very welcoming people and are often very interested in the US. i have also been able to spend the majority of my time here away from london and the main tourist areas allowing me to partake in regular life in england. this place really is just great. today is my last day here as my train departs for the airport at 5:20 AM. (it is already 4:15 PM here) so, i have approximately 12 hours left in this place i have really come to enjoy. don't get me wrong though, i am going to back to africa and more than ready. the past three weeks i have really been missing that accent, dark skin, and those pure white smiles.

it's a bit surreal to be sitting in england at starbucks by myself, just processing life and researching africa, the way i would at home. i am more than excited to see what God has in store and who God has lined up for me to form relationships with in botswana. i am excited to branch out of zambia into a different african country. God has a lot to teach me and i can't wait to begin learning. i still am amazed that all of this is happening. i have literally been dreaming about God calling me to something like this since i was an 11 year old girl sitting in sunday school. i can't wait for african children. it's been three weeks, but i have missed them. please pray that i would become quickly acclimated and would bond with other students as quickly as possible. i have said a lot of hellos and even more goodbyes in the past 2 months. jumping between 4 countries, 4 different cultures in two months. some stability and deep friendships would be wonderful. it has been a bit lonely at times. thanks for continuing to read and keep up with this blog. everyone back at home and those of you i don't even know make me feel much less alone. be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. psalm 9:10