i can finally say it

i am really happy. i know happiness is fleeting and isn't something to strive for. maybe content is the word i'm looking for. it's still strange to me that it's november and i left the states in may. in some ways i feel like i've been gone for forever and the US feels like a foreign concept. at the same time i can still so clearly remember sitting nervously alone in DFW airport after crossing security and thinking "this is the last time i will stand on US ground for a very long time" maybe that's dramatic but hey, that's just what i was thinking. that feels like it happened yesterday. time is weird. i am now typing this, with only 22 days left in botswana. in 24 days (2 days traveling -___-) i will return to what seems like normalcy. my neighborhood starbucks that i have dearly missed more than anyone knows, my red 2003 ford ranger, target shopping with my mom, grace covenant church, eventually my US university, stephen f. austin. maybe nothing will seem different but i am so different. that girl sitting nervously in DFW airport not knowing what to expect is returning changed. i have grown to appreciate things about the united states. i have learned to not take the simplicity of "home" for granted. i will simply NEVER be bored again and if i ever catch myself saying im bored in the states after spending 6 months over here, i deserve to be slapped. i've spent these 6 months without TV or really any form of digital entertainment, without a car, occasionally without internet, without the places that are comfortable and familiar to me. life just looks different here and for the most part, i have just grown accustomed to it. i have learned to be patient. very very patient. everything here moves in slow motion which sounds annoying but sometimes i think us, americans in particular, have something to gain from this. batswana aren't in a rush, ever. they take their time and talk to each other like really talk to each other. they don't do anything alone, they live in community with one another. i think this is valuable and we should learn from them. i have also, whether this is a good thing or not, been given a voice. i have learned to stand up for myself a bit if necessary. i used to be more timid, not wanting to be in people's way. i can't even express the lessons i have learned. i don't even think i will realize them all until months after returning to the US. i just know for now that going into all of this i was so excited but i was also nervous, nervous that it would fail miserably and i would look like an idiot. i was afraid that after a few months, i would be unbearably homesick or just plain uncomfortable. the last thing i wanted to be was someone chasing some stupid dream. i wanted to do this and be at peace with the decision to do so. hallelujah, Lord Jesus is in control and not me because clearly, He knows what He is doing. i couldn't be more happy with the way i feel right now nearing the end of my 6 months of traveling. i feel at peace and content. two things which i am constantly chasing and rarely attain. i'm at a point that i am ready to go home, to see my wonderful family and spend christmas with them celebrating the birth of Christ Jesus but i know it will be so hard to leave here. which is good. i didn't want it to be easy to leave. that would mean that i spent my time here being miserable, longing for something that i have spent the past 20 years of my life complaining about - my normal life in austin/nacogdoches, texas. instead i don't feel excited to leave gaborone, i just feel ready as if the time is right. i feel at peace about how this entire adventurous chapter of my life has gone and i'm interested to see what's next. i am reinvigorated about life in general. classes at a university in east texas don't seem mundane any more, they seem exciting, fresh and new again. i am content. i am not often content and it feels really great to say that and honestly mean it. to everyone that has been following this blog, sent me mail, wrote me on facebook, prayed for me, thank you. you really can't comprehend what it means to me. i remember telling my roommate before i left, "i feel like after about 4 months, everyone will just forget i'm alive." sure enough, that has not been the case. i don't know why i'm so fortunate. well, actually i do. that's because Jesus Christ is alive and He is clearly living in my friends and family. thank you for not forgetting i am still on this planet, although i may be 9,000 miles from where you are. 24 days from now that distance will be much shorter. i can't wait to be reunited with everyone! i really really love you all! :) peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. john 14:27

the roommate mailed me starbucks pumpkin spice. it just happened to
be a fall-ish day in the middle of africa's summer the day i got my package.
look at my wonderful friends and God's reminders that He loves me.