i wish there were things in this that weren't true

i could lie and tell you that everything has been smooth. i could lie and tell you that i have loved every minute. i could lie and tell you that i have seen each day as a blessing. unforunately, those things aren't true. it's been an exceptionally rough few weeks. anyone that knows me knows how much i am in love with this continent but i began to feel that maybe that love was more so conditional for a few days there. like the only way i could love this place was if it painted the children i love as the victims they so often are and in an even sicker way painted me as the hero. not that i would ever say that or even think that i thought that. i guess i just realized that that is something i had hoped for in my subconcious. when i got robbed a week ago for the first time, i was the victim and that isn't the picture that i had so perfectly painted for myself. while in the scheme of things having your dorm room broken into is nothing compared to what many children on this continent face daily, it was a new kind of challenging pain for me. when i realized that i was thousands of miles from home with no laptop and no phone therefore no way to contact home or anyone in the US, i felt the most alone i have ever felt in my entire life. the few days following the robbery, i was angry. it felt like with each day following there was some sort of catastrophic event within the day to come in and steal my joy. i felt like i didn't deserve to be dealing with this. so, i grew angrier. i didn't want to talk to anyone unless they wanted to hear me complain. i honestly wanted to get on the first plane out of gaborone and head back to my hometown (keep in mind i have left out a lot of detail on everything that happened) i never thought i would feel that way in africa. that's when i started realizing this flaw within myself. though i knew africa was dangerous, i expected that the bad things wouldn't happen to me. i was untouchable. i had pictured life here to look about like a mission trip to africa and while mission trips are great, day to day life looks very different. instead of being the hero for a week, i'm just a regular living, breathing 20 year old girl trying to make her way through college just like all of the locals. as much as it hurts to realize a flaw within yourself the up side is that if you let it, change follows and you grow. God pulled me out of the angry place i lived in for the past week and has been showing me again why i love this place. He has shown me what needs to change and is now teaching me how to fall back in love with everyone and everything around me. i spent the day with kids in old naledi and realized that the whole past week of struggles was worth it to get to spend time with them. i could have packed it up and headed home but then i would have left without getting to spend today with those kids. i would have left with bitterness and with anger towards this country and its people. that would have been wrong. i have met tons of wonderful people and unfortunately a small group of theives could have so easily tainted my whole image of the batswana people. i am so grateful for the way the Lord chooses to do what He does. even though the hard times can be seemingly unbearable there is a reason and a lesson that is far more valuable than anything material. i am learning so much about life here in a way i didn't necessarily expect and i am happy to be getting a feel for what living here actually looks like. my God sustains His people and He is doing so much more than that. my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73:26